Week of August 20, 2013

Rep. Frederica Wilson said senior citizens in her district "eat dog food when their food stamps run out." Well my President eats dog when a stray runs out.

President Obama said "at some point the government will run out of money..." His solution is to raise the debt ceiling which actually makes it more of a retractable roof.

The President also supports legislation to combat discrimination of certain dog breeds (ex. pit bulls). It certainly isn't fair that some wind up in a shelter or on a menu while others vacation on Martha's Vineyard.

In related news the President has a new dog named Sunny. Unfortunately Bo refuses to fly with Sunny so the White House has to order a new Osprey.

Schools replace tug of war with tug of piece. Tugging a rope hard enough to make the opposing group fall down? This means war!

Chris Cristie said "homosexuality is innate, not a sin". Homosexuality may be innate, but Nate is still a sinner. 

Illegal aliens were protesting outside a Chicago hospital, and demanding free organ transplants. I agree, we should transplant their organs back to Mexico. 

Poor people can make more money than teachers in 10 different states by applying for government benefits. A new sign outside the welfare office said "Earn more than a teacher in a recession proof career, no education required, but a degree of laziness. Apply today.

A German doctor removed liver tumors using an iPad. In the past a surgeon would ask a nurse for a sponge, but now an iPad.

Bradley Manning was given a thirty year prison sentence, and wants taxpayers to pay for a sex change operation. Once a traitor to his country, and now a traitor to his sex. At least he will be able to use the "Almost Women's Room" until he get's his operation.

Week of July 30, 2013

Obama said I spend every minute every day to make the economy work. The result is plenty of jobs created for caddies.

Homeland Security lost track of more than a million visa holders. Their slogan has changed from what's in your wallet to whose in your country.

A paralyzed man had his testicle bitten off by his pet dog as he slept. Iams certainly sure those bite size doggy treats came in a reusable bag.

A Texas man dug up a World War ll artillery shell in his back yard.  Someone should tell him that striking a live shell with a shovel can give you some shellacking.

The teachers union president said that if teachers carries guns students will say "If I answer the wrong question, is my teacher going to shoot me"? If your teacher asks you what is the capitol of Texas, and you answer George Washington you deserve to be shot.

Dianne Feinstein displayed a map of the United States, Canada, Mexico, and referred to it as "Homeland." She's the Chair of the Intelligence Committee, but off her rocker is more appropriate.

Three million Time Warner cable customers will lose CBS in a fee dispute. I guess viewers will have to get their biased news from another news manufacturer. 

In related news C.N.N.  lost 32% of it's viewership post Trayvon Martin's murder trial. Their bias gave them the slogan: C.N.N. The most busted name in news manufacturing.

A woman was arrested by wildlife officials for selling lobster tails on Craig's List. In the future the only crustaceans she'll be handling are crabs in prison.

Charlie Rangel called tea party members "white crackers." Charlie is a snack himself, a Hershey's Squirt Bar. Nothing but shit ever comes out of his mouth.

The week of June 3rd, 2013

On June 5 the Guardian newspaper of Britain broke the story of how the FBI and NSA were snooping on Americans cell phone calls. That's because the President didn't allow the U.S. newspapers to fetch the story, and told them to roll over on it. That's why they are referred to as lapdog media.

Taiwan's imprisoned ex-president attempted to kill himself using a towel. So that's where they got that expression throwing in the towel.

Obama called for an end to mental illness stigma. Later Joe Biden made a crack about his brain operation to repair a leak, and that's why he had hair plugs installed.

The Chinese city of Wuhan will start issuing fines to unwed mothers. We do the same thing in America except the fines are sent to taxpayers.
  
The Brazilian government ran "happy prostitute ads" to promote legalized prostitution. It makes sense since no one wants a miserable sex partner, that's what marriage is for.

Chris "Tingles" Matthews claimed concerning Obama "He’s never doing anything wrong in his life legally ethically, whatever." Love is blind, but in Chris Matthews case it is also deaf, dumb, and causes restless legs syndrome.

The President was at a loss for words when his staff forgot to give him his speech. The President usually uses a teleprompter, but it was mistakenly hacked by the N.S.A. and then they were forced to destroy the information.

Miss World Pageant dropped the bikini competition to avoid offending Muslims. Had the contestants just dropped their bikinis I'm sure the fans would have been less offended.
    

The week of May 19th, 2013

Senator Dick Durbin said concerning bloggers "are these people journalists and entitled to constitutional protection?" All men are guaranteed the right to free speech under the constitution. Perhaps the intellectually challenged Senator Dirtbin has confused bloggers with boogers.

At the "Touchdown Fever" arcade game in N. J. President Obama went 0 for 5 tossing a touchdown while Chris Cristie scored on the very first try. The President then attempted to blame his failure on a video, but Cristie reminded him it wasn't a video arcade.

A farmer was acquitted of producing milk without a license. The cow however will be sentenced to lethal ingestion.

The Hub network has created a transgender super hero named SheZow. I'm not really sure what kind of crime he/she could save you from. Mismatched window treatments, wardrobe malfunctions, and etiquette faux pas aren't all that menacing, unless you're Martha Stewart.

Anthony Weiner is winning the New York City mayoral race. Because of his superb acting ability he may become the city's first Oscar Mayor Weiner.

A baby boy was flushed down the toilet in China. Apparently Planned Parenthood had Kermit Gosnell set up an office in Asia, and their motto is "away go troubles down the drain."

A Massachusetts audit found dead welfare recipients collecting millions of dollars. I guess the dead  need some incentive to get out and vote.

A Saudi Islamist calls for sexually molesting women who enter the work force. I was wondering if it's Radical I-slam him in the nuggets.

A six year old boy in kindergarten received detention for bringing a plastic Lego G.I. Joe gun to school. No toys were hurt in the incident, but the adults should be subjected to a plastic pistol whipping.

College students signed a thank you card and sent it to the I.R.S. for targeting conservatives. No wonder grads can't get a job, not many positions require a Masters in Hypocrisy.

Michael Eric Dyson of MSNBC declared Eric Holder to be the Moses of our time. If I remember correctly Moses turned a staff into a snake while Holders staff are just a bunch of snakes. That's our weekly roundup of top headlines.

Non Braking News: News that won't slow you down

The week of May 12th, 2013

In a commencement address at Morehouse College President Obama brought up Jim Crow laws, and racism in the 40's and 50's. Apparently the President is trying to earn enough miles on his race card for that free trip to Mars. What's in your wallet?

The RNC chief said Obama is creating an "atmosphere of guerrilla warfare." Well that's what happens when you monkey around with our civil liberties.

Vermont Governor Peter Shumlin signed a "death with dignity" measure. Euthanasia is performed by giving the patient a lethal injection, and is about as dignified as killing a criminal on death row minus that special last meal.

Democrat Senator Sheldon Whitehouse blamed deadly tornadoes on Republicans for not believing in global warming just as Oklahoma was being devastated by one. Politicizing a disaster is disgusting, and the last time a person acted so wicked during a tornado a house fell on them.

Solar panels in Webster Grove High School's science wing caught fire. The good news is that they saved enough on their electricity bill to fix their creosote covered chimney.

Liberals and conservatives are both calling for Attorney General Eric Holder to be axed. It's nice to have bi-partisan support for him to be axed, but I'm sure a machete will do.

President Obama will start the transfer of Gitmo detainees, and lifted the restriction on sending them to Yemen. Sending people to Yemen is worse than waterboarding, at least they sent the Uighurs to Bermuda where they traded their suicide vest for a life vest.

Islamists slaughtered an English soldier by beheading him on a public street. We can only thank God they weren't radical Christians as they might have given him a paper cut from a Jesus LovesYou tract.

New York legislators are busy drafting legislation about where bowling shoes can be worn. With all the corruption and problems facing the big apple it's time we knocked our pinhead representatives into the gutter.

Cockroaches have evolved to avoid poison in just 5 years. That's nothing compared to the Obama administration which has evolved to avoid prison in just five years.

Sweden has experienced 5 nights of riots by Muslim immigrants. Since Sweden has a reputation for welcoming immigrants, treating them well, and even providing housing perhaps they are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

The Boy Scouts will now accept gay members. Maybe they should change their name from the Boy Scouts to Scouting for Boys.
That's our weekly roundup of top headlines.

Non Braking News: News that won't slow you down