The week of July 9, 2013

Brazilian soccer fans stormed the field and stoned the referee to death. In the U.S. we yell "kill the empire" but in Brazil they actually behead him. They should be penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Parents are buying wigs for their bald infants. If being bald causes self esteem issues in children than what about them shitting in diapers? 

A rapper was shot dead on stage in front of 3,000 fans. Not really sure how that is news except it happened in South America so I guess the shooter was a Brazil nut.

Pro abortion protesters shouted "fuck the church" during protest at state capitol. If just goes to show that pro abortion people fuck anybody otherwise they'd have no need for an abortion.

The C.B.O. said late term abortions reduce the deficit. What they didn't tell you is that aborting long term politicians reduces the deficit even more.

Edwin Tobergta of Hamilton, Ohio was arrested for having sexual relations with a rubber pool raft. I have heard of inflatable women, but whatever floats your boat.

The D.C. Council decided that Walmart must pay a super minimum wage if they wish to open a store in Washington D.C. , and said "were at a point where we don't need retailers, retailers need us." With an 8.5% unemployment rate it's apparent the D.C. Democrats hate jobs like Superman hates Kryptonite. 

The C.D.C. said salt is not dangerous and cutting it may be harmful. This is the opposite of what they said in the past, however in their defense they meant salt was bad for you when you are drowning in the ocean.

A pew poll found that 27% of the people believe journalists do not contribute very much to society. The other 73% believe they contribute a lot to making the U.S. a third world banana republic.

A Brazilian man was killed by a cow that fell through his roof. At his wake the person delivering the eulogy consoled the family by saying don't cry over spilled milk. 

Janet Napolitano resigned as Secretary of Homeland Security. Thanks to her policies the airports were safe from small crying children, and diaper bombing seniors.

The military tested a 6 foot tall terminator type robot. The inventor said the robot responded poorly to complex problems and failed the test, but it's still capable of governing California.

George Zimmerman was acquitted in the second degree murder trial of Trayvon Martin. The D.O.J. is considering charging him with a hate crime since they hate the fact that justice was served.

Texas police confiscated jars of feces and urine from pro abortion protesters who planned to throw them on legislators. Since the pro choice crowd acts like animals shouldn't P.E.T.A. come out against abortion?

The Hounds of Bastardville.

The week of June 3rd, 2013

On June 5 the Guardian newspaper of Britain broke the story of how the FBI and NSA were snooping on Americans cell phone calls. That's because the President didn't allow the U.S. newspapers to fetch the story, and told them to roll over on it. That's why they are referred to as lapdog media.

Taiwan's imprisoned ex-president attempted to kill himself using a towel. So that's where they got that expression throwing in the towel.

Obama called for an end to mental illness stigma. Later Joe Biden made a crack about his brain operation to repair a leak, and that's why he had hair plugs installed.

The Chinese city of Wuhan will start issuing fines to unwed mothers. We do the same thing in America except the fines are sent to taxpayers.
  
The Brazilian government ran "happy prostitute ads" to promote legalized prostitution. It makes sense since no one wants a miserable sex partner, that's what marriage is for.

Chris "Tingles" Matthews claimed concerning Obama "He’s never doing anything wrong in his life legally ethically, whatever." Love is blind, but in Chris Matthews case it is also deaf, dumb, and causes restless legs syndrome.

The President was at a loss for words when his staff forgot to give him his speech. The President usually uses a teleprompter, but it was mistakenly hacked by the N.S.A. and then they were forced to destroy the information.

Miss World Pageant dropped the bikini competition to avoid offending Muslims. Had the contestants just dropped their bikinis I'm sure the fans would have been less offended.