Week of 11/4/2013

The new Time magazine cover features a picture of Chris Cristie, and is entitled "The Elephant In The Room."  Will someone explain to me why we are so infatuated with the weight of someone who has reduced his states gut busting deficit, cut the fat from social programs , and controlled bloating property taxes?

Al Qaeda is teaching followers to behead people kindly. They will be issuing sharper, Teflon coated knives, it sucks when it jams on bone. 

William Shatner just released a new rock and roll album. It will boldly go where other crappy records have gone... to the 99 cent bin in Walmart.

In just three weeks three Tesla electric cars caught fire. Tesla will soon change their marketing strategy to target rednecks, they just love tailgate barbecues.

"So help me God" is now optional in the Air Force honor oath. It will be replaced with the more acceptable "Allahu Ahkbar" rallying cry.

A dad was declared an "unfit parent" by a court appointed psychiatrist for not taking his kid to McDonalds. Someone forgot our grandparents considered McDonalds food cruel and unusual punishment, especially for livestock.

In 2011 America's  government benefits recipients outnumbered it's full time workers. Apparently work is as overrated as our President.

A toll supervisor was convicted of stealing a drivers wallet.  I guess toll crossings costing and arm and a leg are thing of the past.

Obamacare supporters claim that "if you like your plan you can keep your plan" is still true. What they forgot to tell you is that you can keep it if it's a plan covering euthanasia.

A new survey says fewer men are paying for sex than ever before. With unemployment for men at historic levels the homeless are now begging for food and sex.

Officials warn Healthcare.gov is a security risk for identity theft. We used to worry about malpractice, but now we have to worry about malware also.

Jackie Mason said Obama is a lying maniac. To paraphrase Mr. Mason, the President likes to lie down on the job.

I love the smell of bullshit in the morning.
It smells like victory

The week of May 19th, 2013

Senator Dick Durbin said concerning bloggers "are these people journalists and entitled to constitutional protection?" All men are guaranteed the right to free speech under the constitution. Perhaps the intellectually challenged Senator Dirtbin has confused bloggers with boogers.

At the "Touchdown Fever" arcade game in N. J. President Obama went 0 for 5 tossing a touchdown while Chris Cristie scored on the very first try. The President then attempted to blame his failure on a video, but Cristie reminded him it wasn't a video arcade.

A farmer was acquitted of producing milk without a license. The cow however will be sentenced to lethal ingestion.

The Hub network has created a transgender super hero named SheZow. I'm not really sure what kind of crime he/she could save you from. Mismatched window treatments, wardrobe malfunctions, and etiquette faux pas aren't all that menacing, unless you're Martha Stewart.

Anthony Weiner is winning the New York City mayoral race. Because of his superb acting ability he may become the city's first Oscar Mayor Weiner.

A baby boy was flushed down the toilet in China. Apparently Planned Parenthood had Kermit Gosnell set up an office in Asia, and their motto is "away go troubles down the drain."

A Massachusetts audit found dead welfare recipients collecting millions of dollars. I guess the dead  need some incentive to get out and vote.

A Saudi Islamist calls for sexually molesting women who enter the work force. I was wondering if it's Radical I-slam him in the nuggets.

A six year old boy in kindergarten received detention for bringing a plastic Lego G.I. Joe gun to school. No toys were hurt in the incident, but the adults should be subjected to a plastic pistol whipping.

College students signed a thank you card and sent it to the I.R.S. for targeting conservatives. No wonder grads can't get a job, not many positions require a Masters in Hypocrisy.

Michael Eric Dyson of MSNBC declared Eric Holder to be the Moses of our time. If I remember correctly Moses turned a staff into a snake while Holders staff are just a bunch of snakes. That's our weekly roundup of top headlines.

Non Braking News: News that won't slow you down