Week of 12/30/2013

This weeks top headlines:

Global Warming scientists who got stuck in ice that supposedly is disappearing, are still stuck. That's what happens when your computer models were developed by the same team that designed the Obamacare website. 

Democrat Cory Booker sent out an e-mail requesting $0 contribution. I admire Booker because he's the only politician who knows what he's worth.

7 in 10 felons that are registered voters are Democrats. I can't blame them since they'll probably be cellmates one day.

Thanks to Obamacare  doctors could not get authorization for a patients surgery for 2 hours, and had to give up. Apparently I was wrong Obamacare really will save money, but not lives.

In related news the Obamacare website makes it nearly impossible to add a baby to your coverage. Well it should be obvious you were supposed to abort the baby!

Walmart will offer free prescriptions for 30 days for Obamacare enrollees. That's the evil free market at work. Hey Walmart how about a rollback on Obamacare?

The E.P.A. said to give your lover a tree or shrub for Valentine's day. Try giving her a tree, and she'll give you a Louisville slugger upside the head.

Happy Valentine's Day

A feminist blogger claims that p.i.v. (penis in vagina) is always rape. Doesn't this dodo bird realize the p.i.v. brought her into this world? 

The Democrats will be pushing for a raise in the minimum wage. They should try to raise the minimum i.q. of students. No one wants to hire an idiot at any price.

Duh, you really only need to wash your
hands after using the restroom.

Week of 12/2/2013

This weeks top headlines:

Walmart had one billion page views of it's website during the Thanksgiving weekend while the Obamacare website crashed from only 50,000. Oh what a tangled website we weave when first we practice to deceive.

A women was hit by a flying deer, and required hospitalization. Rudolph the perpetrator was charged with flying while intoxicated. That red nose should have given it away.

Must have forgot the fuel during the
pre-flight check.

The title of the winning Obamacare video contest is "Forget about the price tag." I always thought that saving money meant considering the price tag. I just don't get this new math.

President Obama talking about the late Nelson Mandela said: I, I, I, I, I, Nelson Mandela courageous man I, I, I.... Apparently our President has more I's than a spider.

There is bad news that the U.S. has more people on disability than all the people living in Greece. The good news is that all those motorized wheelchairs at Walmart won't go to waste.

The Metropolitan Transit Authority will now charge $102.00 for a tractor trailer to cross the G.W. bridge into Manhattan. After seeing the new rate an EZPass customer EZPassed out.

Chris Matthews will be interviewing President Obama on Thursday. I expect there will be more slobbering than at the Westminster Kennel Show. Heel Chrissy, good dog.

I'm gonna hump Obama's leg like a
Chihuahua on Viagra.

Brooklyn politician Laurie Cumbo said the knockout game may have been fueled by "resentment" of the Jewish community. I guess class warfare rhetoric is not about equaling the playing field, but "knocking out" success.

Martin Bashir resigned over disgusting remarks he made about Sarah Palin. Sarah's husband Todd should have just beat the defecation out of him. 

Microsoft is developing a "smart bra"  to control emotional overeating. Forget about a smart bra they should make a clapper bra (clap on clap off) those clasps are a bitch to open.

Week of 11/4/2013

The new Time magazine cover features a picture of Chris Cristie, and is entitled "The Elephant In The Room."  Will someone explain to me why we are so infatuated with the weight of someone who has reduced his states gut busting deficit, cut the fat from social programs , and controlled bloating property taxes?

Al Qaeda is teaching followers to behead people kindly. They will be issuing sharper, Teflon coated knives, it sucks when it jams on bone. 

William Shatner just released a new rock and roll album. It will boldly go where other crappy records have gone... to the 99 cent bin in Walmart.

In just three weeks three Tesla electric cars caught fire. Tesla will soon change their marketing strategy to target rednecks, they just love tailgate barbecues.

"So help me God" is now optional in the Air Force honor oath. It will be replaced with the more acceptable "Allahu Ahkbar" rallying cry.

A dad was declared an "unfit parent" by a court appointed psychiatrist for not taking his kid to McDonalds. Someone forgot our grandparents considered McDonalds food cruel and unusual punishment, especially for livestock.

In 2011 America's  government benefits recipients outnumbered it's full time workers. Apparently work is as overrated as our President.

A toll supervisor was convicted of stealing a drivers wallet.  I guess toll crossings costing and arm and a leg are thing of the past.

Obamacare supporters claim that "if you like your plan you can keep your plan" is still true. What they forgot to tell you is that you can keep it if it's a plan covering euthanasia.

A new survey says fewer men are paying for sex than ever before. With unemployment for men at historic levels the homeless are now begging for food and sex.

Officials warn Healthcare.gov is a security risk for identity theft. We used to worry about malpractice, but now we have to worry about malware also.

Jackie Mason said Obama is a lying maniac. To paraphrase Mr. Mason, the President likes to lie down on the job.

I love the smell of bullshit in the morning.
It smells like victory

Week of July 16th, 2013

A new facial treatment from Japan uses live snails to secrete mucous your face. Their competitor opened a shell-less terrestrial gastropod mollusk facial center, and their slogan is why be snailed when you can be slugged instead?

The city of Detroit is for all intents and purposes bankrupt. They are requesting a bailout, but giving them one would be like trying to bail out the Titanic.

The Dodd-Frank regulations could fill 28 copies of the 1,400 page novel "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy.  Dodd-Frank addressed to big to fail by being to big to read.

Democrat Rep. Frederica Wilson said black men are arrested for "eating while black..."  The only time she could possibly be correct is if they are African American cannibals.


A superstitious man committed suicide after a bird sat on his head. I can just imagine what terrible luck he would have had if a black cat crossed his path.

Chris Matthews apologized on behalf of all white people for the George Zimmerman verdict. I apologize on behalf of all white people for the idiocy of Chris "restless legs syndrome" Matthews.

Martin Bashir said "I.R.S. is new way for Republicans to say nigger." As usual he is wrong. Niggardly is new way for Republicans to say I.R.S. which means to be grudgingly mean about spending or granting conservative groups non profit status.

In response to new abortion restrictions Nancy Pelosi said G.O.P. "needs lesson on birds and bees." Maybe it's the pro choice crowd who needs a a lesson on the birds and the bees since they obviously don't understand the consequences of having sex. 

While the President claimed you will not have to change your plan or doctor with Obamacare the H.H.S. just said you may be able to keep your doctor. The President clarified his position by saying you will be able to keep your doctor, but only if you're his caddy.

Barack Obama tweeted "Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago." but only if Trayvon was half white, and shot by a white Hispanic Hawaiian neighborhood watch captain.

Michael Moore filed for divorce. Rumors are the overweight directors wife was flubbergasted.

Dzhokar Tsarnaev graced the cover of Rolling Stone magazine like a rock legend. Most Americans don't want to look into the mind of the Boston Bomber unless it's at his autopsy. That's why a Rolling Stone gathers no subscribers.

The week of July 2, 2013

The Muslim Brotherhood claims Egypt's interim President Adli Mansour is Jewish. I guess they're hoping he'll take an exodus like Moses did, minus the plagues of course.

Morsi supporters and anti-Morsi supporters both blame the Obama administration for Egypt's problems. What happened to that saying "the enemy of my enemy is my friend?"

A coup by the Egyptian military led to the suspension of it's constitution, and put President Morsi under house arrest. I never understood why anyone would arrest a house, but the bail must be low because it can't flee the state. 

47% of adults have a full time job. For the other 53% the acronym U.S.A. stands for Unemployed Suckers of America.

The State Dept. spent $630,000. to get more Facebook "likes." After spending $630,000. one person named Hillary posted a "like."

The Sanford Police Chief fears violence in response to the Zimmerman verdict. I guess the "stand your ground law" doesn't apply to law enforcement during civil unrest.

Bette Midler tweeted "Happy Indpendence Day! Just think, if we hadn't won that war, today wouldn't be a holiday AND we'd have healthcare." That's great since Sharia law is taking over England they need healthcare for amputations, and female genital mutilation. 

The employer mandate in Obamacare will be delayed until 2015. Apparently that train wreck is delayed getting to the station. It reminds me of Amtrak.

The pathological liars in the State Department walked back as statement about where John Kerry was during the Egyptian uprising. They should have known they'd get caught lying after all Heinzsight is 20/20.

A Texas pro choice protester had her child hold a sign that said "if I wanted government in my womb I would f*** a senator." It's a shame that child is too young to understand that sign means  "If my mommy didn't want me in her womb she would f***ing abort me".

Pro-life Texas Senator Donna Campbell received Facebook threats saying "I hope you're raped" and "I hope your daughter is raped." So the women's pro-choice movement advocates rape. No wonder they want an abortion. 
Abortion supporters chanted "Hail Satan" at the Texas Capitol. So abortion is not about supporting reproductive health, but about supporting the Prince of Darkness. 
Pro abortionist Lena Dunham said "we are all pro life." She forgot to mention they are only pro life when they are pregnant with the Anti-Christ.