Week of 12/16/2013

This weeks top headlines:

Cairo, Egypt  got snow for the first time in  112 years. Looks like it's the global warmers who are in deNile of global cooling. Deniers!

V.P. Joe Biden groped a White House reporter. Joe reminds me of Muhammad Ali,  float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, grope like a dope.

Joe: I'm all about jobs, boob jobs,

Scientists are worried that plagues and fungi will destroy all the banana crops. Jay Carney will probably say "let them eat soy" since Obamacare will provide an endless supply of Soylent Green.

Barbara Walters said "we thought he (Obama) was going to be ... the next Messiah." Well this moron is partly right because he certainly has made a mess of things.

In related news John Podesta said referring to the GOP that they are "a cult worthy of Jonestown." According to the NY Times Jim Jones the cult leader was a Democrat involved in voter fraud. It seems the Obama KoolAid is a particularly strong recipe this year.

Newt Gingrich said "every major city which is a poverty center is run by Democrats." For those of you who have trouble understanding this let me make it perfectly clear "if it's destitute, demoralized, and demolished it was built by Democrats."

"You didn't build that" Democrats did.

Team Obama has come up with another winner of an ad to convince young adults to get healthcare. I'll bet his pajamas have a trap door in the back, and it's not for taking a dump.

Looks like another candidate for transgender surgery.

Nancy Pelosi said "just being in the country illegally is not enough of a reason to be deported..." Apparently she feels "you have to pass the border to find out what's in it (the U.S.)."

In related news the Vatican Chief Justice said Nancy Pelosi shouldn't receive Communion because she supports abortion. I agree she shouldn't receive Communion, but an exorcism is in order. The Power of Christ compels you!

My name is Legend for we are many.

The Heritage Foundation claims that even if the Obamacare website works, it's not safe with your private information. That's just like giving a porn site your personal information...at least that's what I've been told.

The new Ryan/Murray budget proposal includes cuts to military retirees. Here's a better idea, how about we cut that useless vestige that sits atop bureaucrats heads and leave our heroes alone.

Al Gore's prediction in 2008 that the entire North Pole ice cap would disappear in 5 years failed to come true. This global warming misfortune teller is probably freezing his crystal balls off right now.

Al must have defective balls.

Week of July 16th, 2013

A new facial treatment from Japan uses live snails to secrete mucous your face. Their competitor opened a shell-less terrestrial gastropod mollusk facial center, and their slogan is why be snailed when you can be slugged instead?

The city of Detroit is for all intents and purposes bankrupt. They are requesting a bailout, but giving them one would be like trying to bail out the Titanic.

The Dodd-Frank regulations could fill 28 copies of the 1,400 page novel "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy.  Dodd-Frank addressed to big to fail by being to big to read.

Democrat Rep. Frederica Wilson said black men are arrested for "eating while black..."  The only time she could possibly be correct is if they are African American cannibals.


A superstitious man committed suicide after a bird sat on his head. I can just imagine what terrible luck he would have had if a black cat crossed his path.

Chris Matthews apologized on behalf of all white people for the George Zimmerman verdict. I apologize on behalf of all white people for the idiocy of Chris "restless legs syndrome" Matthews.

Martin Bashir said "I.R.S. is new way for Republicans to say nigger." As usual he is wrong. Niggardly is new way for Republicans to say I.R.S. which means to be grudgingly mean about spending or granting conservative groups non profit status.

In response to new abortion restrictions Nancy Pelosi said G.O.P. "needs lesson on birds and bees." Maybe it's the pro choice crowd who needs a a lesson on the birds and the bees since they obviously don't understand the consequences of having sex. 

While the President claimed you will not have to change your plan or doctor with Obamacare the H.H.S. just said you may be able to keep your doctor. The President clarified his position by saying you will be able to keep your doctor, but only if you're his caddy.

Barack Obama tweeted "Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago." but only if Trayvon was half white, and shot by a white Hispanic Hawaiian neighborhood watch captain.

Michael Moore filed for divorce. Rumors are the overweight directors wife was flubbergasted.

Dzhokar Tsarnaev graced the cover of Rolling Stone magazine like a rock legend. Most Americans don't want to look into the mind of the Boston Bomber unless it's at his autopsy. That's why a Rolling Stone gathers no subscribers.