Week of 12/23/2013

Anderson Cooper discussed cunnilingus on the air. Cunnilingus? So that's what the CNN abbreviation stands for.

A&E suspended Phil Robertson for comments hurtful to the gay community. Perhaps as a consolation to gays the Anal & Erections network can create a new program called Dick Dynasty that is sponsored by The Homo Depot. 

In related news A&E showed a Duck Dynasty marathon while Phil was suspended, and has now reinstated him. For some reason not everyone is GLADD about it.

Global warming scientists get stuck in disappearing ice. I hope all those poor drowning polar bears Al Gore talked about take them out for lunch. Stupid iceholes! Note: Polar bears live in the Arctic.

Michael Eric Dyson of MSNBC said that Christian men's love for God "sounds interestingly homoerotic." Mr. Dyson doesn't understand that there are three different words translated as love in the Greek language, and I find him to be "interestingly homoidiotic."

Chris Hayes said "gotta imagine the numbers for healthcare.gov today are enormous."  This dudes brain has more glitches than the healthcare website, and has gone Hayeswire. In related news all the Iowans who used the website were told to resubmit their info. If at first you don't succeed it might be because the website sucks.

Piers Morgan was beaten by a cricket. Forget about gun control, this limey was beaten by a cricket. Jumpin Jiminy!

                                               

Santa Claus was shot in the back by a pellet gun while giving away gifts. Thank God the war on Christmas hasn't escalated to live ammo.

Plus-size-modeling.com is suggesting Mattel make a plus size Barbie doll. I thought they already had a Miss Piggy doll.

Macy's had a black Santa Claus for Christmas. It is rumored he is called Sambo Claus, and intends to move his workshop to Jamaica mon.

Have you've been a naughty Ho Ho Ho?

Week of July 30, 2013

Obama said I spend every minute every day to make the economy work. The result is plenty of jobs created for caddies.

Homeland Security lost track of more than a million visa holders. Their slogan has changed from what's in your wallet to whose in your country.

A paralyzed man had his testicle bitten off by his pet dog as he slept. Iams certainly sure those bite size doggy treats came in a reusable bag.

A Texas man dug up a World War ll artillery shell in his back yard.  Someone should tell him that striking a live shell with a shovel can give you some shellacking.

The teachers union president said that if teachers carries guns students will say "If I answer the wrong question, is my teacher going to shoot me"? If your teacher asks you what is the capitol of Texas, and you answer George Washington you deserve to be shot.

Dianne Feinstein displayed a map of the United States, Canada, Mexico, and referred to it as "Homeland." She's the Chair of the Intelligence Committee, but off her rocker is more appropriate.

Three million Time Warner cable customers will lose CBS in a fee dispute. I guess viewers will have to get their biased news from another news manufacturer. 

In related news C.N.N.  lost 32% of it's viewership post Trayvon Martin's murder trial. Their bias gave them the slogan: C.N.N. The most busted name in news manufacturing.

A woman was arrested by wildlife officials for selling lobster tails on Craig's List. In the future the only crustaceans she'll be handling are crabs in prison.

Charlie Rangel called tea party members "white crackers." Charlie is a snack himself, a Hershey's Squirt Bar. Nothing but shit ever comes out of his mouth.