February 2017

Mika Brzezinski of MSNBC said "...he (Trump) can actually control exactly what people think, and that, that is our job".
It's more like Mika Brezhnev saying "we have ways of making you think."

President Trump is under fire for implying Sweden is experiencing violent repercussions from migrant refugees.
ICYMI Sweden will be marketing a new shampoo called Behead and Shoulders, it gives infidels silky smooth hair.

Robert Reich tweeted "Trump's lies have consequences, 48 hours after his comments on Sweden, riots broke out in an immigrant community."
I call this the Benghazi Effect: Blaming Islamic violence on a video. In this case it's not a movie, but Trump speaking on television. Apparently Islam was peaceful for thousands of years until video was created. 

The U.N. Secretary General said "Islamophobia causes terrorism.
Yeah well i guess Islamophobia causes terrorism the same way arachnophobia causes spiders. 
See Islamophonya: The stupid notion that if you criticize Islam they will kill you to prove they are a religion of peace.

Christian twitter users told the Pope why they believe God supports extreme vetting.
The scriptures tell us heaven has gates, and angels prevent unauthorized souls to enter. I look at extreme vetting the same way as I look at a colonoscopy, it's invasive, and uncomfortable, but it prevents needless deaths.

The 9th Circuit upheld the block on President Trump's travel ban.
Those who say the constitution is fluid have already pissed on it, and swearing to uphold the constitution does not mean cursing it.

Mexican protesters commit violence over ICE deportations in Austin.
Nothing says I want to be an American citizen more than coming here illegally and then committing felony rioting.

Paris is spending 22,000,000 euros to build a wall around the Eiffel Tower to protect it from terror attacks.
Francly I find it amusing that they are saving the Eiffel Tower from the Parisites known as migrants.

Senator Kamala Harris (D-Calif.) asked the nominee for CIA Director Mike Pompeo about the impact of climate change.
Someone once said there are no stupid questions, apparently they never went to a confirmation hearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee.

Democrats plan to withhold Federal taxes to  protest Trump.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but not paying taxes will fine thee.

Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters said "...Putin is continuing to advance into Korea".
She probably meant Crimea, but it is possible she overheard Putin ordering  Kim Chi Un with bulgogi beef.

Democratic Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said "we've seen nothing that we can work-that I can work with President Bush on...".
Ah! Insanity may be temporary, but blame Bush is forever.

Migrants burned down a German refugee center because they ran out of Gummy Bears.
Liberals will now have a new right to crusade, the right to Bear Gummy's.

Massive amounts of trash were left behind by Standing Rock protesters leaving North Dakota at risk of "Environmental Disaster".
Don't you just love those who are saving the planet? Personally I think they are enviro-mentally ill.

Who will save the earth from those trying to save the earth?

January 2017

Controversy surrounded the number of people that attended Donald J Trump's swearing in ceremony.
What we do know is that at least 65 million people were also swearing at the same time.

The Boy Scouts will now be accepting transgender boys.
When Johnny gets his period he'll have a hard time explaining why the first aid kit won't help.

President Obama gave $221 million dollars in humanitarian aid to the Palestinian Authority before leaving office.
The humanitarian aid was to insure the health of the Palestinians who are deficient in Vitamin C4.

Sally Boynton Brown who is running for the chair of the DNC said her job was to "shut other white people down".
Ms. Brown believes that racism is a genetic mutation only present in Caucasians, and while there is no cure only the DNC can control the symptoms.

The N.Y. Times will use layoffs, and other cost cutting measures to make up for declining ad revenue.
These will probably be the only jobs Trump will not be able to save. 

CNN: Assassinating Trump prior to inauguration could put Obama cabinet member in office.
Just wondering if all the journalists at CNN were executed would it result in a peaceful transfer of power to MSNBC.

Michael Moore plans for "100 days of resistance" against Donald Trump.
Michael Moore should try 100 days of resistance on a Nordic Trac.


                                                          The Women's March 2017


Photos of vagina hats. Gives the phrase getting head a whole new meaning.
                                                      



Photo of the aftermath of the Women's March in NYC. Apparently women's rights include the right to discard trash with the same concern they have for the unborn.

The Secret Service isn't pleased with the comments Madonna made at the Women's March when she said "I thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House".
Madonna went from blowing penises to blowing up the White House. The CDC should be investigating her for transmitting venereal diseases that have yet to be classified.

Hillary Clinton tweeted support for the "Women's March" and said "We're Stronger Together".
Most people don't know that if Hillary had won the election she would have had worn a Givenchy designer vagina outfit for the inauguration.

Non Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.

Week of May 26, 2014

Toure of MSNBC made a comment that a Holocaust victim survived and succeeded was due to "white privilege." It's a shame Toure had the privilege of attending Emory University instead of Auschwitz, he might actually have learned something.

The Huffington Post supports paid menstrual leave. I personally believe the fairness doctrine dictates that men with bloody hemorrhoids should also get paid leave.

Florida Democrat Joe Garcia said "We've proved that Communism works." That's why so many Floridians are risking life and limb to swim to Cuba.

Reddit has a story of a man with two penises. Being born with both right and left hands finally makes sense to me.

Paul Ehrlich claims Global Warming will cause cannibalism. I guess Jeffrey Dahmer was ahead of his time.

Mark Cuban said he would cross the street if he saw "a black kid in hoodie." Of course he was called a racist, but some knockout victims would have been better off had they taken his advice.

An article in PJ media claims Gitmo terrorists get better health care than veterans. That's why I plan on replacing my GHI-HMO with the Gitmo health plan. No deductibles, no wait time, and you get a free prayer rug for signing up.

The V.A. spent 500 million dollars on furniture. Well they should make the waiting room comfortable after all it's an eight month wait.

Slate supports HR40 a study concerning reparations. I believe Elizabeth Warren should be paid .00001% in reparations since she once had an Indian rope burn.

E. Warren a bonafide member of the Shinecock and Bull  tribe.

May 26 is Memorial Day so let's not forget the sacrifice our service men and women have made. Demand Congress fix the V.A. health care system immediately! 

Week of 5/19/2014

The I.C.E. released 36,000 undocumented (illegal alien) criminals from detention last year. Can someone explain to me why we have to import criminals, can't we make anything in America anymore?

Hillary Clinton's State Department didn't consider Boko Haram a terrorist group. Perhaps she confused them with the group Procol Harum who wrote the song a "A whiter shade of pale."

An opthalmologist claims Hillary Clinton wore special glasses because her head trauma resulted in double vision. So that's why she didn't increase security at the consulate in Benghazi. She thought they had twice as many personnel! 

Ca. Democrats vetoed a bill to ban sex selection abortions.  This means Democrats think "binders full of women" is offensive, but a landfill of female fetuses is women's reproductive health. Dr. Mengele Ob-Gyn

Bad news that only  17% of D.C. pupils are proficient in reading. The good news is that the remaining 83% are eligible to hold office since Congress doesn't read or understand the bills they vote on anyway. 

Michael Sam the openly gay football player kissed his male lover after being drafted in the NFL.  Since the players slap each other on the ass it was about time they sealed it with a kiss. 

The Dept. of Agriculture ordered submachine guns with 30 round magazines.  If you wanted to protect crops I think a scarecrow would be more appropriate.

The Dept. of Agriculture also ordered body armor. Perhaps genetically modified plants have mutated the Boll Weevil into a giant carnivore.

Former USDA agent.

Week of 1/6/2013

Las Vegas is offering illegal immigrants drivers licenses, but 75% fail the written test. As far as illiterate drivers go I hope "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

Colorado has legalized marijuana. Someone was forward thinking when they nicknamed Denver "the mile high" city. 

Chris Hayes of MSNBC said paying people not to work encourages them to "get back to work." Then how come parents don't pay their child to mow the lawn before it's been cut? 

Global Warming caused a massive wall of ice that destroyed houses in Winnipeg, Canada. People are asking Al Gorebechov to "tear down this (ice) wall."

Sheila Jackson Lee said to change the word welfare to transitional living fund. Transitional means you would have to get off at some point, but this gravy train doesn't stop till the cliff.

Anderson Cooper of CNN asked "what happens when one urinates outside in the frigid air of the polar vortex?" I'm no fortune teller, but I imagine crystal balls are the result.

The Democratic Party claims that Global Warming turns women into prostitutes. They might be correct because it turned Al Gore into one filthy whore.

Chris Christie claims he had no knowledge or participation in the George Washington Bridgegate scandal. Some people believe his political career is over, but politicians who know nothing and see nothing can be elected President for two terms.

Week of 12/30/2013

This weeks top headlines:

Global Warming scientists who got stuck in ice that supposedly is disappearing, are still stuck. That's what happens when your computer models were developed by the same team that designed the Obamacare website. 

Democrat Cory Booker sent out an e-mail requesting $0 contribution. I admire Booker because he's the only politician who knows what he's worth.

7 in 10 felons that are registered voters are Democrats. I can't blame them since they'll probably be cellmates one day.

Thanks to Obamacare  doctors could not get authorization for a patients surgery for 2 hours, and had to give up. Apparently I was wrong Obamacare really will save money, but not lives.

In related news the Obamacare website makes it nearly impossible to add a baby to your coverage. Well it should be obvious you were supposed to abort the baby!

Walmart will offer free prescriptions for 30 days for Obamacare enrollees. That's the evil free market at work. Hey Walmart how about a rollback on Obamacare?

The E.P.A. said to give your lover a tree or shrub for Valentine's day. Try giving her a tree, and she'll give you a Louisville slugger upside the head.

Happy Valentine's Day

A feminist blogger claims that p.i.v. (penis in vagina) is always rape. Doesn't this dodo bird realize the p.i.v. brought her into this world? 

The Democrats will be pushing for a raise in the minimum wage. They should try to raise the minimum i.q. of students. No one wants to hire an idiot at any price.

Duh, you really only need to wash your
hands after using the restroom.

Week of 12/23/2013

Anderson Cooper discussed cunnilingus on the air. Cunnilingus? So that's what the CNN abbreviation stands for.

A&E suspended Phil Robertson for comments hurtful to the gay community. Perhaps as a consolation to gays the Anal & Erections network can create a new program called Dick Dynasty that is sponsored by The Homo Depot. 

In related news A&E showed a Duck Dynasty marathon while Phil was suspended, and has now reinstated him. For some reason not everyone is GLADD about it.

Global warming scientists get stuck in disappearing ice. I hope all those poor drowning polar bears Al Gore talked about take them out for lunch. Stupid iceholes! Note: Polar bears live in the Arctic.

Michael Eric Dyson of MSNBC said that Christian men's love for God "sounds interestingly homoerotic." Mr. Dyson doesn't understand that there are three different words translated as love in the Greek language, and I find him to be "interestingly homoidiotic."

Chris Hayes said "gotta imagine the numbers for healthcare.gov today are enormous."  This dudes brain has more glitches than the healthcare website, and has gone Hayeswire. In related news all the Iowans who used the website were told to resubmit their info. If at first you don't succeed it might be because the website sucks.

Piers Morgan was beaten by a cricket. Forget about gun control, this limey was beaten by a cricket. Jumpin Jiminy!

                                               

Santa Claus was shot in the back by a pellet gun while giving away gifts. Thank God the war on Christmas hasn't escalated to live ammo.

Plus-size-modeling.com is suggesting Mattel make a plus size Barbie doll. I thought they already had a Miss Piggy doll.

Macy's had a black Santa Claus for Christmas. It is rumored he is called Sambo Claus, and intends to move his workshop to Jamaica mon.

Have you've been a naughty Ho Ho Ho?