Week of 12/9/2013

A judge ordered a baker to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple. You can't blame the baker for turning them down he never made a Vaseline cream filled cake before.

The only cake that cures chapped lips.

The High Line in New York is home to a new species of cockroach that survives freezing weather. They're almost as dangerous as the roaches in city hall, but at least they don't draw a salary.

The House of Representatives is set to vote Thursday on a bi-partisan budget deal. By budget they mean they won't budge on spending like drunken sailors with high price prostitutes. 

A man bit off his fathers eyebrow while driving home from a wedding. Good thing the father didn't have a unibrow like Brezhnev otherwise the poor guy would have no skull left.

Leonid only attended
highbrow events.

A photo of Chris Christie is circulating the web, but some people have claimed it may have been altered. It  probably has to with his new jobs bill.

How about a boob job?

Greenpeace: Santa will cancel Christmas due to Global Warming. Considering temperatures in the Antarctic hit a record of -135 degrees it may be cancelled due to him losing a few digits from frostbite.

In related news there is widespread debate about Santa being a white person. The fact is that he spends 364 days of the year freezing his ass off in the North Pole making toys. No African American is that crazy. Aisha Harris of Slate believes Santa should be a penguin. Then how the hell can children sit on Santa's lap, and how does he carry a bag full of presents with a flipper?

Ezekiel Emanuel: Obama said you can keep your doctor, but you will have to pay more. What he actually meant is you can keep your doctor if you have a secure basement with no windows.

The doctor is in.

Tim Stanley of the United Kingdom Telegraph said: "even when the U.S. government is shutdown, it's still too big." My opinion is that the government should be like a penis, if it gets too big it is only temporary. 

OFA claims Obamacare is like winning the lottery. That means the odds that  I can get a health plan I can afford are over a hundred million to one.

A women is suing the N.Y.P.D. after they entered her apartment without a warrant and killed her pet parakeet. She claimed the bird only committed a Mynah offense and was already behind bars. 

I ain't no stool pigeon coppers.