Week of 11/18/2013

This weeks top headlines:

In Chicago a nude woman boarded the train.  I can't blame her because that pole in the center of the car reminded her of work.

Next stop Court Street.

Sarah Silverman's used "vag napkin" (soiled sanitary pad) was auctioned off to raise money for abortions. I wonder if her vagkin is a tasteless as her sense of humor. 

Bill and Melinda Gates are seeking an "enhanced sensation" condom. It must have been a self fulfilling prophecy when Bill named his company Microsoft.

Scientists have created cheese made from the bacteria of human feet. It must be wonderful when paired with a vintage Chateau Lafeet wine.

India will be putting monkeys on birth control. It's about time someone has found a purpose for both Planned Parenthood and P.E.T.A.

There is an unstoppable 400 lb. running back who is the largest in the nation. Perhaps his parents should be required to carry insurance, and have him registered with the D.M.V.

A channel 9 traffic update reports a head on
collision with a backup of 50 yards.

A Russian man nailed his testicles to Red Square cobblestones to protest police brutality. What could the police possibly do that is more brutal than nailing testicles to the street? Yank them out!

Hey moron there's a piercing shop down the street.